It's the time of year when I am starting to think about our incoming JK students. I remember being the parent of the 4 year old destined for school and being terrified of what that would mean for me. For ME. There would be whole huge chunks of his life that I would not be able to control, even know about. That's frightening for a parent, so know that I "get" it. Also frightening is that in a year and a half that "baby" will be going to grade 9! Gulp!
This post will be the advice/truth I wish someone had given me when I sent my children to school.
First you have to come to terms with the truth that yes, there will be big parts of your child's life that you will not control, and indeed, not know anything about. There is nothing you can do about that, so accept that you are sending your child to the teacher that will come to love/understand/nurture and teach your child to be the very best student/citizen they can help craft them to be. The teacher will never know your child the same way that you do. They can't; they don't have the history or the birth scars/stories to connect them. But, your child's teacher will also know your child in a way that you cannot. They will see your child learn to navigate a structured learning environment, follow rules, take risks, learn curriculum and grow emotionally and socially at school. That can be quite different from what you see across the dinner table.
You also have to accept that your child's teacher will not be able to fill in all the gaps in the day that you are craving answers to. The teacher will let you know the things that you NTK (need to know) and can influence. For example, the teacher will likely contact you if there are discipline issues, learning struggles, great gains or successes, unexplained changes in behaviour, difficulties with peers that affect learning etc. If you don't hear anything you can expect that there aren't any concerning NTKs. The teacher will not be reporting day to day events, that is your child's job.
So then the conversation turns to the issue that "my child doesn't tell me anything." The following is a close transcript of my school conversations with my oldest child:
Me: How was your day?
Boy: Fine.
Me: What did you do today?
Boy: Nothing?
Me: Did you have a good day?
Boy: Un huh (or Un Unh)
Clearly, I had no idea what he was doing, or how he was doing 'cause "fine" and "nothing" aren't real answers.
I learned quickly that I had to change the conversation so that it went something like this:
Me: What did you do at activity time?
Boy: I played in the building centre (
it was almost always the building centre!)
Me: So what did you build?
Boy: Me and Boy A built _____. We used the saws and the big blocks. Mrs. let us pile them high (
height was always a big thing.....) etc. etc.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Boy: I played with Boy A, Boy B and Boy C.
Me: What did you guys play?
Boy: Soccer (or tag, or chase, or trucks etc.)
Me: What story did Mrs. read today?
Boy: ______
Me: Did you like the story?
Boy: Yeah.
Me: Why did you like it?
Boy: 'cause Mrs. used funny voices and it made us laugh....
Me: You had gym today with Mr. What game did you play?
Boy: We did running. I was fastest (
again, speed was a big thing.... still is...)
Every grade has specific routines and activities that you can ask about. In older grades you might ask about literacy or math centres or writer's workshop, phys.ed, recess, computer programs etc. You will soon see patterns in who your child is playing with (or not playing with), the activities they like, things they get excited about and things they've learned. I learned that if I wanted to fill in the gaps in my Boy's day, then I had to ask specific questions about those gaps.
This is also what I learned -- getting that information from my child in rich conversations is much more fulfilling that getting a second hand report from the teacher.
Mrs. B
Mama first, then teacher and principal....
